Tag! You're it!
Remember recess? Games of hopscotch and dodgeball? Playing on the jungle gym and eating your own boogs? Ok, that wasn't me as much as Dwayne Robinson, but his family lived in the junkyard and thought that grilled roadkill was fine dinin', so he didn't know any better. Well, if you live in Attleboro, Massachussetts, recess is going to be a little bit different from now on thanks to new school regulations. No, the kids won't have to stop eating their sweet, sweeeeeet nose candy; they'll just have to stop playing tag with it. That's right; litigation has gotten so bad in the US that some schools are phasing out tag and any other unsupervised contact activities altogether for fear of getting sued. Said one concerned parent who approved the ban on this potentially deadly activity, "I've witnessed enough near collisions."Let's take a step back, people. We're talking about the game of tag. Not the game of "stab" or "jab" or "mercilessly pummel the nerdy kid until he starts coughing up blood". Tag. Didn't anyone at the school board meeting bring this point up? I mean, if they really want to start saving some money and avoiding some lawsuits, why don't they just shrink-wrap the kids to their chairs every morning like I suggested? Sure it'll be harder for them to breathe with all that plastic over their faces, but what's a little asphyxiation compared to the risk of a low-speed collision with the eighty-pounder from homeroom?
5 comments:
Lee, I hate to break it to you, but hopscotch and dodgeball aren't allowed in schools anymore either. In the latter case, too many girls skinned their knees trying to jump one-legged, and as for dodgeball, well, that actually IS "mercilessly pummel the nerdy kid until he starts coughing up blood."
Speaking as a pummeled nerd, though, I have to say that dodgeball was worth it for that one, beautiful moment of revenge when I would catch Lee Seegers off guard and smack him right in the middle of his smug, assholic face. Or his balls. Fucker.
My favorite part about this blog is the fact that...oh, say, 10 years from now, when Lee will have a "lil 'un", he will come STORMING to the principal's office and demand to know why his poor little smookums always comes home with scratches and bruises? He demands justice! He demands vengence! He demands no more tag!
that's right...I'm not the first, and I know i wont be the last to say this: Lee will be one of those over protective parents. Just look how he is with his electronics
His electronics, his furniture (don't get me started on the couch). In fact, anything he owns, might want to own, or comes into contact with. I mean, it's not my fault your sweaters shrink. It's the dryer's.
I for one am absolutely convicned that thanks to Lee, your future child's first word will be "coaster."
aww honey, you have such a bad reputation about this. you're really not that bad.*
*lie
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