Two more reasons not to make that run for the border

Have you ever known that something was bad for you but couldn't stop doing it anyway? No, I'm not talking about smoking or binge drinking or cutting yourself with a razor to get Daddy's attention; I'm talking about something far worse: TACO BELL.

I ain't gonna lie to you; I love my TB and will until the day they have to remove my lower intestine. I don't care that they only use five different ingredients to make every item on the menu. I don't care that the color scheme used in their restaurants is either turd brown or Tron purple. I don't even care that the meat comes in packages stamped "Not Fit For Human Consumption". Taco Butt tastes good, and every once in a while it's ok to do something bad for you (not to mention your relationships with nearby friends and family).

My love for Toxic Smell notwithstanding, I recently came across two very good reasons why you might want to refrain from making that border run you were thinking about. The first is an article that Mr. Michael Harris sent to my attention about an E. coli outbreak at nine TB locations in the New York area. Apparently the green onions they were using had traces of E. coli, and more than 50 people in three states may be ill as a result. I don't mind a little dirt, rat hair or human fingernails in my bean burritos, but poop in the green onions is where I draw the line.

The second reason is that Taco Bell might, in the wrong circumstances, bring down an airplane. An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing on Monday when one of the passengers started lighting matches to cover up some wicked SBDs. I can't be certain that the passenger had eaten Taco Bell before the flight, but there's no denying that the Bell's "effervescent" side effects could have been the culprit. The best part of the story, though, is that the passenger was a woman who claimed to have a medical condition and was lighting the matches to conceal a certain "body odor". C'mon, people. If you're going to ring the Bell, don't hide your head in shame about it. Cut loose, throw caution to the wind, and let freedom and flatulence ring.