Dive bomber

A pigeon took a shit on me during my walk home yesterday. I was walking underneath this tree a little off my normal route in order to get some shade, and I had my head turned to look at some sunbathers in the Jardins des Tuileries. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something falling, but I assumed it was a leaf or something from the tree. Then when I looked back in front of me I noticed that there was something on my tie; I again assumed it was a leaf .... until I looked directly down. I'm not certain how the pigeon managed to do it, but it had crapped directly on my tie. And not in a thin little streak, either. Nuh-uh; this pigeon must have been half-ostrich, because it looked like someone had scooped a huge ladle of McDonalds' special sauce and smeared it down the entire length of my torso. Not on my shirt. Not on my shoes. Not on my head. Just on my tie.

Call me paranoid, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Pigeon Lady is behind this somehow. Come to think of it, that might help explain why her movers were carrying that big box labeled "Voodoo Dolls". And why I keep hitting myself in the head and getting those stabbing pains in my crotch.