Highs and Lows
The Gods really must have a sense of humour. Today on my walk they raised my spirits, just to cruelly crush them minutes later. About 15 minutes in, I'm coming around to the south end of the gardens when I spot money on the ground. A five euro bill! I was like "woo-hoo, who wants ice-cream? MY TREAT."
Then, 20 minutes later, out of the corner of my left eye, I see a flash of red. Next thing I know, this woman slowly starts to pass me. Now, I know you're thinking that she was jogging because that's what I assumed. But, nuh-uh, she was walking. The Bitch. In my humble opinion, I'm a fast walker. I don't speed walk, but still I walk pretty fast. And then here comes this hoochie mama passing me. I tried to speed up to keep up with her, but I just couldn't. I was even taking more steps than she was. She was like this freaky super fast walker person who managed to look like she was strolling while I was panting and wheezing and holding my belly. I just don't get it. Honestly, she should be ashamed of herself.
Then, 20 minutes later, out of the corner of my left eye, I see a flash of red. Next thing I know, this woman slowly starts to pass me. Now, I know you're thinking that she was jogging because that's what I assumed. But, nuh-uh, she was walking. The Bitch. In my humble opinion, I'm a fast walker. I don't speed walk, but still I walk pretty fast. And then here comes this hoochie mama passing me. I tried to speed up to keep up with her, but I just couldn't. I was even taking more steps than she was. She was like this freaky super fast walker person who managed to look like she was strolling while I was panting and wheezing and holding my belly. I just don't get it. Honestly, she should be ashamed of herself.
7 comments:
Did she beat you to the five euro bill, or did you still get the money and buy yourself a consolation ice cream?
Also, if you want to rebuild your walking self-esteem, come out to California and take a walk with the Master of Moseying, the Ablest of Amblers, the Stradivarius of Strollers: my wife, Mrs. Ariel Mackenzie Davis Vanderpool. You will feel like a perambulatory goddess, unless there's actually any truth to that "tortoise and hare" malarkey.
I just noticed the "20 minutes later" between finding the 5 euro bill and the hoochie mama passing you by, and thus am very embarrassed that I asked whether or not she beat you to the money - that probably didn't help your walking-speed self-esteem. My bad.
Let me get this straight: you can come up with "Master of Moseying," "the Ablest of Amblers," and "the Stradivarius of Strollers", but the best you can do is tell Pegs that she would feel like a perambulatory goddess? How about "Perambulatory princess"? "Walking wunderkind"? "Marching maven"? "Sultan of saunter"? "Tower of tread"? C'mon, Derek, if you're going to use alliteration, don't give up halfway.
I know! You almost get the impression, almost, that he might possibly love Ariel more than he loves me. Even though I can buy him ice cream.
First off, Lee, why can't you just compliment me on the genius that is a phrase like "the Stradivarius of Strollers"? I mean, come on! That's good stuff! I was proud of that.
Second, in regards to my phrasing, I clearly realized what you did not: four alliterations in a row would be too much. As any skilled author knows, all good things in figurative language come in threes or multiples thereof. Moreover, those items usually occur within the same phrase. As such, my adroit alliterations all appeared in the appropriate area.
Finally, I thought that it would soothe Pegs' wounded ego to liken her to a deity rather than mere royalty. Besides, everyone knows that you're Princess.
Lee...you've officially been BURNED! oooooooohhhhhh. By the way, you obviously want to move to England so bad you're spelling "humor" the british way...tsk tsk
Touché, Derek, touché.
Damien, you still suck.
Post a Comment