Twice in a Lifetime Opportunity

Mr. Michael Harris has a problem. You see, he and the lovely Jill Wasserman are soon expecting two lovely twin WasserHarrises, one boy and one girl. That's obviously not the problem in and of itself; Mike and Jill can't wait to welcome their dynamic duo into their home. The problem is that Mike's car is a two-door coupe, and when it comes to transporting twins, two doors just won't cut the mustard. On top of that, the color of Mike's car (a shade of green later banned by the auto industry for inducing uncontrolled nausea) is reminiscent of something that you would find in a recently used handkerchief. Hence its affectionate nickname: "The Booger".

The origins of The Booger are a tale in and of themselves. Experiencing what was later diagnosed as the tamest mid-life crisis ever, Mr. Harris the Elder decided that he wanted to buy a new car and live a little. Being the loving husband that he is, Mr. Harris the Elder elected to buy what Pegs has subsequently referred to as the only mid-life crisis car guaranteed to repel women: a snot-green 1998 Nissan 200Sx coupe. After indulging her husband's new purchase for several years, Mrs. Harris finally insisted that he remove The Booger from their driveway or risk losing something infinitely more valuable. Coincidentally, Mike was experiencing some car trouble of another nature and found himself in need of a new vehicle. Enter Mr. Harris the Elder with a solution to the plights of both parties: The Booger would find its way down to Atlanta, and a significant portion of Mike's savings would find its way to Long Island.

Fast-forward to the present day. Faced with the inconvenience and inevitable back-pain associated with trying to fit two car seats into the back of a two-door coupe, Mike wisely decided to splurge on a new car. Although I can't be certain, I imagine that the salesman of his new vehicle responded to Mike's request for a trade-in with barely stifled laughter, meaning that Mike was left holding the keys to one of the least desirable cars on the planet. Perhaps thinking that his father retained some feelings of nostalgia for The Booger, that he might take pity on his only son, or that he might be the only person who could ever have wanted the car in the first place, Mike sent the following e-mail to Mr. Harris the Elder:

Dad,

After 4.5 years and almost 18 thousand miles, Jill and I decided it was time to let my car, affectionately known as The Booger, go.

Yesterday Jill and I bought a new (used) car. But as the saying goes, when one door closes, another door opens.

That's right dad - Now is your chance to reclaim the car of your dreams

1998 Nissan 200SX
54,500 mi
Power moon roof
CD stereo
No major mechanical issues
Light green color guaranteed to beautify any driveway
Conveniently located in GA

The price for you - $3200
Kelly Blue value - $4010 (see attached KBB value. Note, the picture in the estimate does not show actual car or color) Don't pass up your twice in a lifetime opportunity to own this car.

Hi to Mom!
Love you,
m

Not one to let a prime ribbing opportunity pass him by, Mr. Harris the Elder responded as follows:

Dear Son,

So nice of you to extend this gracious offer.

I would suspect the car is known instead as "the little piece of shit", but I do have a sense of the vehicle under discussion.

The location is somewhat inconvenient. I need to subtract travel and hotel costs from your proposal. The following offer is presented. Once you've indicated your acceptance, Mom and I will come down to Atlanta and drive the car back to where it's truly appreciated.

Asking Price: $3200

Minus

TRAVEL FOR TWO:

Plane tickets from LGA - minus $700
Drive to LGA - minus $40 (at IRS reimbursement rate)
Parking 5 days @ $24/day - minus $120
Return trip (two days) - hotels minus $600
Food (six meals) - minus $200
Tolls - minus $14
Gas - minus $90

Total cost of travel and return: $1750 (rounded)

Offer on table: $1450

I think this is fair and appropriate.

However, if you don't think so, perhaps you'd like to keep it in the family and sell it to Amy [Mike's sister]. Given the distance from PDX [Portland] to ATL, you'd have to pay her to pick it up and drive it back. I think she'd be amenable to that. But then again, maybe Ruby [Mike and Jill's niece] would like a toy, and you can ship the car to Thousand Oaks [California].

As tough as the counteroffer was, I think that Mike might have been tempted to take it had it not been for the following message from Mrs. Harris:

I think we will have to pass on our twice in a lifetime opportunity to have the booger beautify our driveway. If Dad says otherwise, he is overruled. (I got Dad to promise me the power of veto on any car purchase he might want to make in the future after his purchase of the booger.)

Help out a new father-to-be; if you or someone you know needs a new car, or if you'd like something you could drive out into the middle of a field and use for target practice, or if you're looking for the perfect gag gift, please give Mike a call. Remember: this is a once (or perhaps twice) in a lifetime opportunity.