Happy Birthday, Mom and Derek!

Act I, Scene 1: The year is 1980. The setting is the inside of a restaurant in a small town. People are dressed in ugly early-80s clothing and sporting bad haircuts all around. Enter a tall Man with enormous hair and a petite Woman with an enormous gut. Sorry, my bad; it's a baby belly.

Man: Happy birthday, darling. I hope you're hungry; I made these reservations weeks ago so we could celebrate this special moment together. Just the two of us.

Woman (sitting at the table and speaking in a slight French accent): Sank you, cheri. I am fameeshed. I could heat a orse I am so ongry.

[splashing noise from under the table; her water has just broken]

Woman (dismayed): Oh, crap. Not again!

[fade]

Act II, Scene 1: Several hours later. The setting is a hospital room in a small town. Nurses are dressed in ugly early-80s hospital gowns and sporting bad haircuts all around. Woman with enormous gut ... belly ... is lying on a bed in stirrups; Man with enormous hair is standing at her side. Enter a Doctor in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck.

Doctor: Well, Mrs. Vanderpool, we haven't seen you in a while. What's it been, 14 months since your last delivery?

Woman: Shut eet, you ass clown, and geeve me an epidural!

Man: Push, darling.

Woman: Can the "darling" crap, sweetheart. You're ze one who got me into zees mess! I just wanted to cuddle!

Doctor: Now, now you two; don't start that whole argument again. I told you four years ago that you should have limited yourself to the first one. I should know; I have a medical degree.

[Doctor peers between the stirrups]

Doctor: Crap, no time for that now! I can see the head! Whoa, would you look at the hairline on that sucker!

Man: Push, darling.

Woman (grunting): Oh, would you geeve eet a rest already?

[fade]

Act III, Scene 1: One hour later. The setting is a recovery room in a hospital in a small town. The walls are painted in ugly early-80s colors and sporting bad furniture all around. Woman with enormous gut ... belly ... is lying on a bed looking exhausted; Man with enormous hair is sitting beside her looking traumatized. Enter a Nurse in a white coat and gigantic beehive hairdo with a baby-sized bundle.

Nurse: Mrs. Vanderpool? I brought you your ... baby. We did the best we could, but this is as good as we could make him look. [hands bundle to Woman]

[Woman and Man look at bundle; wince simultaneously]

Woman: Are you sure that thees ees hour baby?

Man: Yeah, I mean, look at the hairline on that sucker.

Nurse: Oh, we're sure, all right. You can tell because he still has his tail; the doctor said that he'd have it removed tomorrow.

Man (shuddering): Oh; right. [gazes into the bundle] Aw, look honey, he has your ... teeth? [peers closer questioningly]

Woman (sighing): Thees ees the worst birthday EVER.

[fade]