Why I Blame Eric (Presidential Edition)

Even though we're thousands of miles away, it seems that we still can't avoid getting inundated with news about the presidential race back in the US. I'm sure that most of you are sick of hearing soundbites from the candidates and watching them on television and just want the whole thing to be over already, but in the interest of full disclosure I'm going to let you in on a little secret: the elections don't really matter. In the end, no matter who you and the rest of the country vote for, Eric is going to control the White House. Don't believe me? Here are a few examples from recent history of how Eric has meddled in presidential affairs.

1. 12 September 2001: Over a couple dozen beers with Bush's cabinet, Eric lays out what appears to be solid evidence that Saddam Hussein not only has weapons of mass destruction, but also pictures of Dubya naked in a hot tub with Karl Rove. Determined to get those pictures back, Karl Rove declares war on Iraq.

2. 14 November 1995: After sharing a doobie with Bill Clinton at a White House function, Eric introduces Bill to Monica Lewinsky, hands him a cigar and tells him to "do what comes naturally, big fella."

3. 21 December 1970: Disguised as Elvis, Eric has a secret meeting with Nixon in which he offers the president a hi-tech recording device. Delighted with the new technology, Tricky Dick decides to install the recorders all over the White House just in time to tape his conversations with Eric about breaking into the Watergate.

4. 22 November 1963: Miffed that his then girlfriend (a certain M. Monroe) came on to JFK during a birthday party, Eric decides to pay a little visit to Dallas. His girlfriend later met with an unfortunate "accidental" overdose.