US Population to Reach 300 Million People, 100 Billion Pounds

According to estimates provided by the U.S. Census Bureau, at 7:46 ET Tuesday morning the population of the United States will reach 300 million people, a milestone currently held only by China and India. Perhaps even more significantly, the U.S. Department of Weights and Measures estimates that the total mass of the US population will at the same time exceed 1oo billion pounds, or approximately 333.33 pounds per person.

"This will truly be a historic moment," said LSU Dean of Human Sciences Dr. Theodore Broussard (pictured above) between enormous handfuls of powdered donuts and whipped cream. "The increase in both the size and weight of the US population is directly attributable to improvements in American health care, diet and quality of life in the last fifty years." Dr. Broussard then washed down half a cheesecake with a two-liter of Diet Coke and farted.

Global environmental experts expressed alarm and dismay at the new figures. It is estimated that although the US accounts for only 6% of the world's total population of 5 billion, it consumes more than one quarter of the world's energy and over 85% of the world's nougat every year.