Hot Shit

Japan's leading toilet maker Toto Ltd. is offering free repairs for 180,000 bidet toilets in its "Z Series" after wiring problems caused several to catch fire. The popular Z series features a pulsating massage spray, a power dryer, built-in-the-bowl deodorizing filter, the "Tornado Wash" flush and a lid that opens and closes automatically. The electric bidet accessory of Toto's Z series caught fire in three separate incidents between March 2006 and March 2007. "Fortunately, nobody was using the toilets when the fire broke out and there were no injuries," said company spokeswoman Emi Tanaka. "The fire would have been just under your buttocks." Ouch.

People often stop me on the street to tell me that I have the hottest ass they've ever seen, but even I have never been able to use it to set a toilet on fire. Pants? Yes. Chairs? All the time. The entire Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad? You better believe it. But never a toilet. Believe me, though, it's not for lack of trying.

Author's Note: The Japanese apparently take their potty time very seriously. A company called Matsushita (I swear that I am not making that up) makes a "Smart Toilet" that can check blood pressure, temperature, and blood sugar.