Happy Birthday, Mr. Schwesinger!

Today is Eric Schwe-"Jazz"-singer's birthday, which he is unfortunately obligated to spend on the Caribbean island of St. Lucia. It's a long story as to why Eric is celebrating his birthday in a tropical paradise rather than being surrounded by friends and family in Naples or New York, but I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say that the stars required that he be there today so that he would have good fortune for the rest of the year. Also, he needed to work on his base tan. Since EHS can't be around on his birthday, here are a few things you can do to fill the void until he gets back:

- Start the day with a leisurely nine-mile run in order to remove any hint of sensation in your lower body. This will make it easier for you to slam sharpened pencils into your legs when your Internet connection freezes and locks you into an unhedged position for several hours.

- Periodically yell at your computer for no apparent reason. If it starts yelling back, consider popping another one of those little yellow pills the doctor gave you.

- Avoid going to the bathroom during trading hours to help get the full trading experience. If necessary, explain to the cleaning staff that the price of crude was jumping all over the place, you had Thai for dinner the night before, and the trash can looked big enough at the time.

- Visit your local Houston's restaurant and ask really, really nicely if you can get your hamburger topped with chili, since you go there all the time and know damned good and well that they keep some in the back even though it's listed as a Saturday-only special.

- Pick a fight with a cab. Not the cab driver, but the cab itself.

- Lose said fight.