Forever Young

What's in a name? The Bard hypothesized that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but is that really true? Consider, for example, the case of Young Cha, who celebrates yet another birthday today. No one really knows how old Young is, since his early years are shrouded in mystery and his birth certificate is in Korean, but the man still gets carded when he tries to buy beer or get into an R-rated movie. For someone who was born in time to see Nixon serve as President, Muhammed Ali box and J. Edgar Hoover dress in drag, that's pretty impressive.

Oil of Olay once offered Young a blank check to let them do research on his wrinkle-free skin, but he just smiled his full set of healthy teeth and gums (remarkably free of decay and gingivitis for a man of his years) and went back to doing push-ups using only his pinkie finger. Pegs is convinced that somewhere in his attic there's a Dorian Gray-like painting of Young bearing a striking similarity to Lo Pan, but my money is that his name is the secret to his continually youthful appearance and vigor.

More research needs to be performed to confirm my theory, but parents should be aware that their choice of a name can have a profound impact on their child's life. Maybe that's why all those porn stars have names like Randy Johnson, Trixxxie Dixxx and Sweetie Cheeks; those poor bastards were doomed to suffer lives plagued by rampant nymphomania and meaningless intercourse. As for me, I'm going to city hall right now and having my name officially changed to "Richard Vanderpool"; you can just call me "Rich". Or "Dick".

Happy birthday, Youngster!