The Transformers: Movie Review
I had a bit of insomnia last night, so I decided to watch The Transformers to help pass the time. I'm not talking about the cartoon movie with the voices of Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar, Judd Nelson as Hot Rod, Leonard Nimoy as Galvatron and Orson Welles as Unicron, although we do have that version on DVD. No, I'm talking about the Michael Bay-directed feature film starring Shia LaBoeuf. Here's the one paragraph recap:
The Transformers are searching for a cubelike thingamajig that they alternatively call "The Cube" and "The Allspark" because it creates life and can be used for evil or something (I'm a little hazy on the details, since they're never really clear about why it's so bad). The cube has landed on earth, where Shia LaBoeuf is an incongrously awkward and yet conceited teenager who desperately wants to bang Brian Austin Greene's fiancee. Then a bunch of shit blows up, the central robot characters are introduced about an hour after the opening credits and John Turturro destroys any shred of acting credibility he may have built up with the Coen brothers. Then, at the end, a whole bunch more shit blows up and the main bad guy (who only gets introduced with about fifteen minutes left to go) is killed when Shia puts the cube in his chest cavity. Oh, and Michael Bay is an enormous asshole.
This movie was the worst thing I've seen since I watched that turtle get run over on a highway about fifteen years ago. I don't know if Shia LaBoeuf is a complete douche or if he was just really good about keeping in character, but you know it's a bad sign when you actually want the lead character in the movie to eat it just so you don't have to watch him anymore. I have nothing against explosions, fight scenes and special effects, but they should be elements furthering a plot, not the basis of the entire movie. Michael Bay should be strapped into a chair a la Clockwork Orange and forced to witness this cinematic abortion until his eyes bleed. I would rather watch closed caption footage from an Abu Ghraib security camera for two hours than have to see this thing again.
8 comments:
I was planning on sitting down tonight and watching this movie. You have ruined all my plans by exposing the plot prematurely. Change the catagory to "Why I blame Lee".
Lee, you shouldn't hold back - how do you REALLY feel about this movie?
Eric, not that I believe for one second that you were contemplating a screening of this film, but if you were then you should be thanking me, not blaming me. Figure out the opportunity cost of your time and send me a check. In euros.
Euros.... The daggers finally come out.
Lee, what you fail to grasp is that Michael Bay’s work and Transformers in particular, captures the zeitgeist of our times (at least in America). Blowing s**t up with a weak back story and little regard for the truth is what we do. Further, while I agree that the movie is a crap I do so for different reasons. Lee, you were manipulated. Transformers is yet another example of liberal bias in Hollywood. In creating a desire for you to see the president, I mean protagonist die, he was simply laying the groundwork for your un-American thoughts. And, don’t even get me started on how the government knew about Transformers all along yet hid their knowledge from the American people. The government would never let that happen. Especially if there were lucrative licensing opportunities available to help them buy more guns and bombs.
Yes, this is one of the many plotholes big enough for Optimus Prime to drive through. Also among them:
1. Supposedly the US government had Megatron in its possession since the 1930s and was able to use his technology to reverse engineer all sorts of things (like microchips). If that were the case, why wouldn't they have also reverse-engineered his weapons systems so we could blast his ass off? And if we were able to reverse engineer his technology, how do you explain 8-tracks?
2. If the cube is supposed to create life, why is it that it only creates evil life forms? And why only mechanical life forms? And why transforming mechanical life forms?
3. Why would the data "burned" on Shia's great-grandfather's glasses give the location of the cube in 2007 when the cube wasn't moved there until after he found it in the 1930s?
4. If the blackhawk helicopter transformer was protected by some sort of force field when it attacked the GI army base, why wouldn't it (and all of the other transformers) have used the same force field throughout the rest of the movie?
5. Why would the Autobots and Decepticons have sent only four or five transformers each, instead of the hundreds from the Hasbro catalog?
6. Why wouldn't Josh Duhamel call his wife as soon as he had access to a phone to let her know that he was alright instead of waiting until the end of the movie? Doesn't he enjoy keeping his nut sack in one piece?
I don't think the word "Nerds" can even begin to remotely express what all of you are right now.
I liked the pretty machines......
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