Saints Win PS2 Super Bowl; Infernal Temperatures Reportedly Plummet

In the largest upset ever witnessed in a PS2 Super Bowl, the digital New Orleans Saints mercilessly thrashed the computer-controlled New England Patriots Sunday by a score of 112-0. Mardi Gras came early to the Big Easy at the news of the win, which historians of PlayStation football are calling "one for the record books".

The Saints scored early in the game on a 63-yard pass play from QB Lee Vanderpool (#1) to wide receiver Raphael Charon (#89) with just 43 seconds expired in the first quarter, and they never let up from there. Said the French-born Charon about his five touchdown, 343-yard performance, "This is only my third game playing American football, but I'm very excited to be here and to help the team win the championship. This is lots of fun; I really like that I can use my hands to catch the ball and run to the other side of the field." Charon then slid on his stomach all the way to the locker room, much to the delight of his wife and the reporters in attendance.

The Saints dominated the running game, with All-Pro running back Alex N. Dropoulos (#24) alone tallying an impressive 247 yards and 4 touchdowns on just 18 runs. Said tight end Damien Vanderpool (#84), "They just couldn't seem to stop us on the ground, no matter what they did. I was blocking left and right, opening up rushing lanes and keeping the blitz at bay. Did I mention that I also caught two touchdown passes and had 8 receptions for a total of 124 yards? I rock."

As impressive as it was on the ground, the Saints' offense truly exploded in the air. QB Lee Vanderpool connected with Damien Vanderpool, Charon and his fellow wide receiver Derek Vanderpool (#81) for a total of 765 yards and eleven touchdowns. "I guess it was our day to win," said the ever-humble Derek Vanderpool, a Ph.D. candidate in the off-season who caught passes for almost three hundred yards and four touchdowns. "Now if you'll excuse me, I really have to go finish that treatise on the effects of communist philosophy in post-World War II France."

While the Saints' offense was doing its job putting points on the board, the unflappable defense had just as impressive a performance in keeping points off of it in the shut-out victory. Linebacker Michael Harris (#50) led the defense with 17 tackles, three tipped passes and four sacks. "We wanted to make certain that we came out strong and shut down the run," said Harris, "so we implemented a new defense based on Six Sigma. It allowed us not only to hold them to -27 rushing yards, but also to greatly reduce our team's overhead expenses."

"There was really no question as to who was the better team out there today," said rookie strong safety Eric Schwesinger (#37), who accounted for an impressive 14 tackles, two interceptions (one returned for a touchdown), and a near decapitation of an opposing wide receiver. Schwesinger, who qualified for the team as a walk-on, is a graduate of Emory University and therefore had no college football experience. When asked how he handled his position so effectively with virtually no playing time prior to entering the pros, Schwesinger responded, "Well, I have a very low center of gravity, and I really enjoyed tackling people into snow drifts when I was younger. Plus, I used to trade oil and gas, so beating the ever-living sh*t out of people just comes naturally to me."

Saints quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Lee Vanderpool said that he was "very satisfied with the win, especially with my new high-score." In response to whether she was proud of her husband's accomplishments on the virtual playing field, Panagiota Alexandropoulos momentarily looked up from her book, shrugged non-committedly and replied "Yeah, sure. Whatever."