Judge Slaps Pete Doherty on Wrist, Finds Last Untapped Vein

Pete Doherty, the legally challenged addict/musician who's been schtupping uber-waif Kate Moss for a couple of years now, was fined a whopping £770 for possession of marijuana, heroin and crack cocaine on Monday. District Judge (and closet Babyshambles enthusiast) Jane McIvor apparently felt that the possession of enough illicit substances to kill a bull elephant didn't warrant jail time, so Doherty was free to go once again without spending time in the slammer.

£770 (about $1500) might be a good chunk of change for the type of strung out junkie who would give your dog a hummer if you paid him $10 for his next fix, but Pete Doherty is the kind of strung out junkie who can afford to give dogs hummers just for the hell of it. I've never heard anything that little Petie's written, since I understand that most of his CDs are used during prisoner interrogations, but apparently he has enough of a following in Britain to bankroll a never-ending supply of heroin and criminal lawyers to keep his track-marked butt out of jail.

There are only two explanations for why Pete Doherty hasn't either OD'd on the toilet or been sentenced to a long stint in jail at this point, and the first is that God has a really weird sense of humor and is just waiting for the right moment to deliver the punchline. The second (and only slightly less plausible) explanation is that Pete Doherty is Scotland Yard's secret weapon in the war on drugs. By single-handedly increasing the demand for heroin and crack to the point that nobody else can afford them, Doherty is indirectly forcing thousands of users to try shooting Pixie Stix and smoking Pop Rox to get their next fix. This health nut has so much junk in his system that smack and crack addicts everywhere are buying tickets to his funeral just so they can stand near enough to his coffin to get high while he's being cremated.