Alec Baldwin Is a Great Dad

In a shameless attempt to take top honors at the Father of the Year Awards, Alec Baldwin recently called his 11-year-old daughter Ireland "a rude, thoughtless little pig." Baldwin was apparently upset that she did not answer her phone for a planned call, saying "You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being." The call was recorded and leaked to the press by Baldwin's ex-wife, Kim Basinger. Baldwin continued his rant saying, "I don't give a damn that you're 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you're a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone." He goes on to say that he plans to fly from New York to Los Angeles "for the day just to straighten you out on this issue."

Things like this make me happy, because no matter how mad I may get at my future children, I'm pretty sure that I would never resort to calling them rude, thoughtless little pigs. That's just silly. No, I'll just use the same technique our dad did when we got out of line: I'll simply flex my biceps and pecs until my shirt rips from my torso, gently reminding them that pissing me off will inevitably bring about nothing but a world of hurt. Odds are, though, that it'll never come to that. After all, the main reason this kid is acting up is probably because she's miffed that her parents named her after a country full of alcoholics and sheep molesters.