Ill Communication

Among the Vandersibs, Vanessa is generally considered the worst correspondent by far. She has her fair share of great attributes, to be certain, but regular penmanship is not one of them. While Derek, Damien and I typically talk at least a few times a week via Google Chat, we can sometimes go weeks or even months without hearing a word from our only sister. If I need to know when she's due to arrive for a two-month stay at our apartment, my best bet is not to call or e-mail Vanessa but to ask Mom, who somehow manages to keep informed as to the goings-on of each of her little chickadees (Derek and I suspect that it may be by means of closed circuit video surveillance).

Since Vanessa virtually never initiates e-mail or other written exchanges, you can imagine my surprise the other day when I received a chat message from her with a simple, yet excited, message: "I passed!!!" Knowing that Vanessa had been preparing diligently for her board exams before the summer, I naturally assumed that was what she was talking about, so I immediately responded with a congratulatory "That's great!" I was going to hit return, but just then a hint of doubt began to work its way into my head, so I followed up my felicitations with the query, "What did you pass again?" Minutes creeped by without a response, then hours, and now days. I still don't know for certain what it is that Vanessa passed, but here are a few of the possibilities; feel free to suggest your own in the comments section until she clarifies what it really was:

1. I passed the gravy to Ricky, and he spilled it all over the dining room floor before I could even have some!!!

2. I passed so much gas last night that the neighbors thought it was gunfire and called the cops!!!

3. I passed a four pound kidneystone!!!

4. I passed a midget wearing a clown outfit while riding a unicycle!!!

5. I passed a Krispy Kreme without salivating, disproving Pavlov's theory!!!

6. I passed a football to future NFL football Hall of Famer Jerry Rice, but he had his back turned so it hit him in the head!!!

7. I passed on the chance to buy Apple stock at $25. I'm such an idiot!!!

8. I passed the exit to get to my house, and now I have no idea where I am!!!

9. I passed Wilt Chamberlain to take the top spot on the NBA's list of rebound leaders!!!

10. I passed out from alcohol poisoning after drinking the contents of a thermometer!!!