Emoticons, transform!

I fucking hate emoticons. I don't know why, but there's something incredibly aggravating about people who are too lazy to express their sentiments with, I don't know, real words. If you're one of those people who think that :-) is the only way to let someone know that you find something funny or satisfying, you either need to reach for a dictionary or do us all a favor and just shut the fuck up.

As if the world needed another excuse to promote idiocy, CNN now has an article up about the 25th anniversary of the invention (and I use that term ever so lightly) of the smiley-face emoticon. Apparently a Carnegie Mellon professor proposed its use during a discussion about the limits of online humor and how to denote comments meant to be taken lightly. "I propose the following character sequence for joke markers: :-)," wrote the douche in question. "Read it sideways." Thanks, genius.

Here's another idea: make the shit that you write funny. That way, you don't have to follow up pathetic attempts at humor with a sequence of aggravating punctuation marks. I mean, you didn't see Jonathan Swift sweating over whether to use a semicolon-dash-close parenthesis to make sure his readers understood he was just kidding when he suggested eating Irish babies. His shit was funny, and you either got it or you didn't.

Anyway, now that I've opened the floodgates, I expect lots of comments loaded with the little fuckers. Emote away.